snatches of moments

i think... no, i know, that it's too late. and so many things have unraveled. apart from my downward spiral of emotions, i have my closest friends very angry at me. and "very angry" is but a subtle way of putting it.

off to netherlands and back. what was i hoping for? i was putting everything after netherlands, because dammit, i had so much to do. and i'm going back to work tomorrow, with MUCH MUCH MORE to do (argh don't wanna think about it).

but netherlands. it was a minor escape for me - the whole "let's talk about it when i'm back from netherlands" or "i'll think about it when i'm back from netherlands". i think i was also secretly (and desperately?) hoping that some enlightenment will come, whilst i was there. and i'll return all the wiser, having found enlightenment or made up my mind.

made up my mind? i make it sound as if there is a choice to make. when there really isn't. the answer's clear as day. either way, i shouldn't let anything go on. the worse case scenario (which is what is happening now), is going to lead to rock-bottom in terms of my emotions. i know. because i'm heading there now. free-falling, and i'm not doing anything to stop it. if anything, i'm accelerating, increasing my momentum towards the final crash.

but - i don't even want to think about it, because in a way it contributes to the accelerating effect - but if there was ever a chance, fleeting as it may be, tiny little window as it seems. if it actually happened. what then? it will end, and it will not end well.

like i said, either way - not good. but then, it's too late already. "what, already?", you may ask.

yes. unfortunately, being in netherlands further cemented that. i'm not gonna elaborate. i think it's probably cos i'm too ashamed to admit it.

this whole thing with my... emotions. i really can't stand it la. if i'm gonna do it, i gotta learn how to build a wall of defense around it. learn how to enjoy the highs and pull back when i have to ie. leave before any vulnerability sets in. it's unfortunate that in this particular case, vulnerability set in long before the high. well, it probably set in at the very beginning. the fact that i so quickly and easily... you know, i should just build a damn wall to prevent anything similar from happening ever again. not so much for this case, but in case something like this happens again.

cos this one, this time - it's just too late.

i wonder if it's worth it at all.

do you not care for me? for how i might be affected? or are these just not important to you?




... it hurts.