when doing the right thing makes you feel stupid

sometimes doing the right thing isn't exactly the smartest choice. but then again, it depends on how you look at it.

although what's obvious now is that... if i do things the way they are doing it, it sure as hell will save me a lot of time. not to mention lower my level of stress.

i was fine, initially. i finally accepted it as such, and decided to do the best i can with whatever i had. i mean, heck, that's what research is all about, right. plus it's a learning process. cheh, philosophical.

but talking to someone yesterday, i got pretty disheartened. she was gonna do this canggih thingy, which i was all for it - i mean, it's great that she has all this initiative.

and then i discovered that, she had done some changes to her data, and this produced nice results, and thus, enabled her to do the canggih thingy. now really, i memang know there are people who do stuff to their data. not like it's a real shocker or anything. but there she was, going to do this canggih thing, telling me of others who are doing/have done changes to their data. i wasn't shocked or surprised la. i just felt really disheartened there and then. there they are, with their nice results, and on the other hand, i have... nothing to show.

i'm not judging her or them, k. i'm certainly not in a position to do that. and it's really none of my business what they do. all i'm saying is that, i felt disheartened la. and kinda stupid, haih.

i'll be honest though - it's something i'm very tempted to do. really. i'm not a saint la. but i guess at the end of the day, i wouldn't be able to bring myself to do it. coward -_-

no la not cowardly la. i just feel that i'll be letting a lot of people down. plus, as much as my work sucks (it really DOES suck -_-), i still have this teensy bit of respect for it.


[edit] i do feel better now. few people have put things into perspective for me.

no title

could it be that everything goes round by chance
or only one way that it was always meant to be


nothing ah, just quoting from one of my favourite songs.

i know i'm being silly

it's hard on me when i compare myself with someone so way above my league in practically every aspect. why do so? human nature kah. the drive to be better one, the awesome-r one.

and you know what's even harder on me? comparing myself with more than one. i sometimes just don't understand myself. would things be the way it was if it wasn't for certain turn of events.

if standards weren't set so high, maybe i wouldn't feel this bad.

they're gone~

baby isaac and famileh just drove off to finally move in and settle down in their new home. so now, i have my big room back (originally exchanged room with sis from when she was pregnant as my room is bigger). and i'll have the bathroom all to myself~ tapi toilet cleaning responsibilities shall now solely lie on my shoulders wth. aih.

isaac's such a handsome little boy now =)


house looks quite empty la. didn't realise isaac's stuff filled up the house so much. his toys la, his diapers la, his little bed la, his clothes la.


love it when he smiles damn happily


and my big room now is all emptied - i'll have to do some mini moving myself. looking forward to pimping my room yeahhhhh *cough* no la just kidding. i don't think my dad will let me draw some hot manga characters on my room walls.

(but the walls are so... plain. and WHITE. nice blank canvas!)

oh well, at least i could hang up my daniel lee poster again. isaac's dad took it down initially cos he didn't want isaac to wake up staring at daniel lee -_-" apparently some people find daniel lee very sissy. HAIH.


daddy frog hoping isaac will grow up to be as "manly" and "macho" as him


the house is gonna be a lot more quiet - devoid of isaac's crazily HIGH pitch screaming. which isn't really a bad thing cos mum and dad will get some well-deserved rest. eh, damn tiring running after isaac okayyy. don't play play!


i'm not kidding when i say his screams are HIGH pitch.
a bit higher, can shatter glass edi.


and isaac damn garang wan, if he doesn't get his way he will shout and scream. macam scolding you. haih so young so aggressive edi. but we always sayang him in the end cos he's just too cute.


manja boy


i'm not being biased la, he's really cute, antics and all. can't wait for him to start talking though =) he's still babbling... A LOT.


yah he's cuter than this cute piggy cake he got for his first birthday.


... i'm starting to miss isaac already. see la, dah mula ber-emo =(


taken on the very day he was born, with my crappy nokia 6020 camera, no less.
still, it remains one of my favourite picture of isaac =)

i...

don't want to think about it.

just tipping over a little

and spilling a few drops of my thoughts.

i wonder if i'm doing the right thing. who doesn't, no? but i'm wondering if this is the way to take, if this is all it should be.

i recently made a decision which i am proud of. it's small, seemingly insignificant, and it was in a situation where reasoning was made simple and clear. unfortunately, i had to resort to a little white lie. i don't say i made the right decision - in some cases there is no right or wrong. why must things always be in black and white anyway. grey areas people, grey areas. i like grey areas. no definite right or wrong. who died and made you the ultimate judge on what's right and what's wrong anyway.

grey areas lalala. my patience has been running thinner and i'm on the verge of being snarky, sometimes for no apparent reason. i like using sarcasm to induce humour, not to hurt people's feelings. but sometimes it's just getting too irresistable to poke at them. you're asking for it, dears. i'm actually a very nice person, really.

i feel like going into the exam hall with a blank slate of mind (tabula rasa wth) and just see what's the outcome. so exciting. i'll be taking on each question thinking "do i know this shit?" instead of "oh ooohhh this is from the lecture notes woot". but i know the spirit of kiasu-ism, so well cultivated in me since my high school days, will involuntarily kick in and i'll be hitting the books right at the very last minute, just nearly in time to skim through what i need to know. ah, the exhiliration of racing against the clock. mmm, fun fun fun.

am idly wondering what happened to my thirst for straight As.

it's been so long since we've met... well, more like ages since the four of us met up. couple of years? yeah. i think our worlds are so different now. we've all changed, but i get the feeling that you all are closer to what we used to be. i have slowly moved away from that, not something i'm really happy about. i've stopped drawing for a long long time too, only very occasionally doodling a little when i feel like it. hey, let's check out each other's works soon okayy? and stories. i don't hold on to them anymore, but i know at least one of you do, tighter than ever before.

we all have stories to tell. tell me yours, i'll listen. and i'll tell you mine if you'll listen. it's called sherry and the giant beanstalk.

who needs brinjals now. >=)

woe is me

yeah me, who is pms-ing. hence highly unstable emotionally. and randomly incoherent.

like, you know, i didn't realise i was so angry. and i vented it out at the person i should least vent to. sigh, the guilt =(

curt tones and rude words uttered. i'd like to say that it was the incident that put me in a state of anger, and hence those hurtful words and hurtful tones i used.

and then ah, it accumulated to a full-fledge venting of my anger on what was pissing me off so much. anger and emotions escalating sial. i was on the verge of... well, i was on the verge of something.

probably not very good to bottle things up, as eventually the freaking bottle can't hold on for much longer. all it did was just bubble over the rim a little, and i'm already taken aback by the wave of anger that consumed me. well, albeit brief la.

how ah? anger management. mayb i should, like, shout at a wall or something the next time i'm pissed off instead of swallowing it down as if it were a fishball. a big fishball. don't even ask me WHY a fishball. i don't even swallow fishballs whole. heck, i don't even like fishballs all that much.

maybe one of those little cup puddings. yeah, i like those.

letdown

i'm not as good (here encompasses watever good traits) as some may perceive, for reasons not a hundred percent unknown, but still rather blurry to me

but in the occasion that the clouds clear and i happen to be right where the light is shining unfavourably...

i'm not as bad as it would seem.

pensive

can't put how i feel into words.

been feeling a little distracted lately.

i know what's been going on in this little head of mine, it's something i can't ignore. but accepting it is a different story altogether.

why do these things always turn out in every other ways imaginable, except the way i want it?

and i keep reminding myself of it even though it hurts like hell. masochist wth.

i'm sorry if it seemed like i've been avoiding. sub-consciously, maybe.

not on purpose.

wargh

for some reason when i saw the position of the ironing board, it suddenly hit me that i forgot to switch off the iron before i left for uni today.

mum would've probably lectured me to no end if she wasn't already sleeping by the time i came home.

but that isn't the point. it's beyond stupid to leave the damn iron on. and baby isaac was at home too... imagine if a fire had happened.

*kicks self really really hard*

anyway, iron incident aside (still busy kicking myself), quite a number of stuff to settle. i don't particularly like all this kind of remeh-temeh stuff... remeh-temeh to me la cos i'm probably the laziest person ever.

in addition, so many people keep asking me if i've moved into my rented room and i'm like, "er, ya ya, moving soon". actually, i havent even bought ANYthing, no cupboard, no table no shelf no whatever. no mattress even, but i've sorta secured that through an ex-superior.

...... what, procrastination is my forte.

plus, i can't wait to get over this silly flu virus that's got me. i thought i was already recovering, mana tau my voice suddenly hilang. my voice breaks like crazy and some words just don't come out.

and it sucks not being able to sing... well not like i'm a singer wth, i just like singing along, esp when driving in my car.

couldnt resist a hot cup of coffee during lunch though. from my favourite kopi satu van! oh, the sight of the beautiful bright yellow vehicle parked at its usual place. the one thing i have been looking forward to when the sem reopens. once my cough goes away, i shall get my dose of ice-blended cappucino =D

i think a huge chunk of my ptptn goes to buying coffee wth. -_-"

on a totally unrelated topic, i realise i'm doing the same thing again. avoiding. well, not actively avoiding but more of becoming increasingly non-existant.

sometimes i cross the line even when i see where i'm heading. and when i can't avoid the crash anymore, i try (vainly?) to pull out, knowing that what's gonna happen is probably inevitable.

thing is, do i want to avoid the crash? why am i even avoiding it?

down, but looking up

just the other day, a colleague asked me if i ever felt offended from all the joshings i get. i told him, nah, i'm ok wan. to which he asked why, and i thought for a while.

"well, maybe cos i have enough confidence in myself."

which i do, usually. under any normal circumstances. not high confidence, mind you. just enough to get me through the day. ngam ngam cukup makan.

but who doesnt hit rock bottom every now and then. some, more often than others.

today is one of those days where i feel crappy.

lots of coffee and maybe some chocolate. shopping. good songs.

i'll pick myself up soon enough.

teacups

a (not even) half baked blog post to move daniel lee down. -_-"

to save your eyes, my darlings. to show my gratitude to those who actually come here. your eyes are precious to me.

right.

didn't have a good day. wasnt a bad day. it was just blah. in between. can't even whine properly cos it wasnt sucky or anything. just no mood the whole day. and i was out shopping, no less.

ya, no mood while shopping, when i took a day off to shop wth.

actually, i took a day off for some time alone, out of the house. and to shop cos it's been ages since.

then i ended up in mph. sigh.

maybe i should've used today to meet up with some friends (cos so many of u havent seen my muka for so long right. yes i know).

but wanted to be alone mah. as in alone in a crowd not alone alone.

realised new sem is starting in bout 2 weeks time. so not ready wth. plus the bei-ness from my last sem results still hits me every now and then.

BEI. ok? damn BEI. -_-"

things will be taking place during august which means a lot of work starting july (well, actually now but... nvm).

i'm still a bummer at heart!

great, it's about three and i should obviously be sleeping.

but i'm being incredibly stupid, thinking of... stuffs. i think i did the right thing, which i obviously did cos it's so obviously right.

but sometimes i just wish i made the wrong decision. even while knowing what was inevitable.

maybe there wasnt a right or wrong in that case. sorta like, it's wrong, but it feels right somehow.

for all i know, it could've been worth it going through whatever shit that was bound to happen. maybe it was just about taking the plunge. being in the car crash and not always just the traffic jam.

(ya i like the song)

an invisible line binds me. i don't venture further.

the line is good. it's there for a reason. but i get the urge to just do away with the stupid line. it's dotted btw. dotty-ish.

and grey. -_-"

......

so tonight i won't be sleeping. again.

told you this isnt even a half baked post.

skjfklahflaskdfhalskd

something i learnt from someone. the spamming thing.

*bangs on keyboard some more* sjkdfhjklasdfhsdfhasjkldh

annoyance and unnecessary stress.

sigh, i hate it when someone misunderstands me. sort of like a mini branch-out from my major peeve of being wrongly accused of something.

and i hate annoying people. who don't even realise they're being annoying. and i don't have the heart to tell them that they're bloody annoying. fjhasdfjkhasdlkfh

DON'T ask me to lighten up because i can't right now. AND DON'T ASK ME TO CHILL WTF. i never liked being asked to CHILL whether or not i'm agitated. when i am, it pisses me off even more when u ask me to just "chill la". and when i'm not, a bit wtf right, i'm all a-okay and u suddenly out of the blue ask me to chill. kawan, apa nak chill lagi when i'm all at peace?

and why the heck is paris hilton even allowed out of jail before finishing her sentence? psychological problems my foot la.

anyway, digressing.

i will quieten down at my own leisure.

annoying people begone or i'll spork your eyes out. bugger, i also dunno what happen to me la. am no longer as patient as i used to be wth.

and yes i know i've been terrible, ignoring ppl on msn and bloody slow sms replies. yes i want to meet up. please tell me when and where to save me any more headache. can? getting car back some time next week, so there.

why the heck am i getting so easily annoyed. mana pergi my stupid saintly patience.

somebody feed me an ice cream or something.

just wanted to say

i think i kinda miss you.

can you help me unravel my latest mistake

how to i type out what's in my mind right now?

i have hardly been this confused and honestly, right now isn't the time for me to get confused.

how do i not lead anyone on and/or hurt anyone in my confusion?

...... something's missing tonight as i mindlessly tap on the keyboard, churning out words and words for my assignment.

i'm missing you, again. when really, it shouldnt be you, cos haha, it's rididulous.

it is.

it's just a phase.

my mind should be on someone else.

not you.

it's cos you were there at the right time and said the right things.

yes that's why.

yes, yes. *pats self on back for concluding this*

......

doesnt change the fact that there's something missing, somehow.

howwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww?

*rolls eyes at own idiocy*

help

i'm nervous, and i'm having cold feet.

i'm very very nervous, and not nervous in a good way. nervous in a way that makes me feel incompetent and incapable.

the nervousness u get when u realise something was of much bigger magnitude that u expected. much much bigger.

and i don't like it when things go unexpected, the wrong way.

and when pressure sets in.

please, i shouldnt be complaining. =( why am i complaining?

so there's nervousness and self-loathing now. yay. -_-"

=(

shall try to be as optimistic as i can. if i pull thru this week, i'll pull thru the next. and things will get better as i settle down.

[EDIT] p.s. i'm missing someone. how weird is that?

i'm not missing anyone! so there you go. -_-"

4am thoughts

it's past four and i've yet to study for tomorrow's exam. am kinda brain dead anyway, lack of sleep taking it's toll on me (and omg i see wrinkles below my eyes).

i'm not procrastinating, i just dislike stats. also, my mind's kinda clouded by all these thoughts. i'm not distracted la, i just need to focus.

maybe sometimes it's better to just let it all pass and not do anything. but i feel as if i've been misled, albeit willingly on my part.

i chose to be ignorant and in denial when i knew it would eventually lead to this.

so, lesson learnt? afraid not. different situation, same mistakes waiting to be made. but hey, maybe things will be different this time around. oh wait, that's me being in denial again.

on a brighter note, the past week has been great, and i can't say how much it means to me to be able to meet up and hang out with you people, you know who you are. =)

and now it's time for me to hit the books. bai bai!

p.s. btw, pls tell me i'm not the only one that finds this disturbing.


daniel radcliffe and a horse

an apology

i feel terrible when i don't know what to say. and when i try to say the right words, they come out hollow and superficial. sometimes the way my words come out, it even sounds as if i'm not empathising with you. and i feel as if i'm one of those self-righteous on-lookers that you dislike so much.

and i feel terrible because i neglected you. i'm sorry it took more than a few calls (from you, no less) before you had a chance to say what you wanted to say. and i should have asked you about it when you first called. i did hear something in your voice, and i know i'd instinctively give the excuse that i was preoccupied.

and i'm sorry that i did not say i'm sorry to you, and even had you thanking me instead.

when in fact, i'm a terrible friend.

how about i make it up to you, and more, by looking out for you however i can?

no title

belated thoughts which i am allowing through now.

sometimes overexposure with certain people leave me feeling moody and, well, mean. quite a while ago when i was in this kind of mood, i interrupted my own mean thoughts by pondering why i hardly felt this way before this, with other people.

it's not that anyone did or said anything wrong. it's just me, really. am i being hypocritical if i just played along?

because it wouldnt be right to voice out my thoughts, this kind of thoughts. and if i had to, i'd have to censor myself and edit the words and then add a coating of silliness to achieve the right tone so it sounds like ME.

throw too many at me, and my thoughts might just escape from me. oh, don't worry, i won't go beserk, shouting and all that. i'll be absolutely calm as i tear you down bit by bit. no hurry in something i'd probably enjoy, no?

-----------------------------------------------

alright, well, at least that's out of my system.

...... cotton-candy, anyone? =D

i'm unstable

flunctuates. my emotions, that is. and my feelings.

and you know what? you're the one that determines if i'll be happy or despondent.

i'm giving in. since i can't fight it, no?

so congratulations. you won. go ahead and break it cos it's all yours.

......

*rolls eyes* someone's gotta snap me out of this. emotional masochism. HAHAHA. shit, ok i'm going crazy.