well it kinda feels as though i don't know myself anymore. is there such a thing as getting detached from oneself? i don't know if it's got to do with becoming a corporate rat, but it's so easy to get lost in the routine.
and you know what's even easier? it's too easy to put on a facade around most people. people you see almost everyday, but won't see beyond you. i mean, doesn't everybody put on a facade anyway? just depends how impenetrable you make it to be.
it's quiet now, with damien rice crooning away at low volume, sorta fading into the background. and i'm mildly contented at this moment, having a little free time, to layan my thoughts. something i haven't done in a long while.
(plus - work free for tonight! since i left the heavy piece of metal i.e. ancient laptop back at the office. one should always avoid working on friday nights. there's always saturday and sunday to continue work... wait. one should avoid working on weekends too -_-)
and there i go, i baru did something stupid again. but what's new, eh? many times, i'll catch myself. doing something stupid, or doing something i shouldn't do.
and then there are the things i know upfront not to do, but do it anyway.
frustration sets in when... you don't get the answers you want. or, you don't get any answers at all. the latter hurts less at first, but oh how it will hurt later on. first it drags you on. because things are not spelt out. you don't have a definite reason to do anything, or to do nothing at all.
and then there is also not getting the answers you want, and then going into denial. which is worse.
so there will be waiting. there might be expectations, or a tiny bit of hope starts growing. and when i say hope, i don't mean hope in a sun-shiney, warm and fuzzy kind of way. hope that is only there, to mask the despair and disappointment. to cover them like a blanket. unreasonable hope... hoping for something that so blatantly isn't there.
warning bells have long sounded. i started building up my defenses all but too late. i am, after all, an emotional creature. i knew i was in trouble when i started recalling snatches of moments, wittingly or unwittingly. the sounds, the colors, those smell, that taste.
i miss the place. i think, what i miss most, was the sense of freedom and just doing things on the fly. walking around an unfamiliar place, solo, without a map (uh, thank goodness the place is really small?). randomly turning into little streets, just because.
i'd like to conclude this with turning the above reminiscence into some sort of philosophical metaphor to describe life. but i won't.
i knew that when i went there, i was hoping to be able to clear my mind, to come to a conclusion. i did find answers, which ironically made things worse.
but, on a brighter note, so far things haven't crashed yet. i think. hurt, i can deal with. disappointment, i can deal with. erratic self-perception, i can deal with.
however, when bitterness starts to creep in... if bitterness starts to creep in.
that, and i know, like it or not, in denial or not, i will have to detach completely.