money matters

because it does.

sigh, i hate growing up.

because we're all the same

i feel for you.

maybe a little premature in feeling empathetic, but i won't be surprised if it happens.

and if it happens... i feel for you.

i really do.

caught off guard

i would say that in this particular aspect, things have never looked better. well, as compared to not so long ago.

in fact, i think i can safely say that i'm finally reaching that stage. i'm almost there. and i know it.

however. i also know that i'll have to admit to myself that it's never going to be a hundred percent. that's not gonna happen. not a bad thing per se, it just... is.

and because of that, i will allow myself certain emotions, every once in a very long while, and not beat myself over it.

and i did exactly that - to allow the brief pang of emotions to sweep through me. caught off guard, it happened - that moment of recognition, and the feelings that ensued. well, moments like this are bound to happen eventually anyway. and probably in the future. just... less impact as time goes by =)

i think it's time to cut myself some (more) slack. and be nicer to myself =)

oh, and to respect myself a little more too =P

(cheh, like doing new year's resolution wth -_-)

my goodness

it's been years, but now i sense it coming back.

omg sherry, have you not changed at all in all these years? have you not grown up at all -_-

has experience not taught you anything?!

jangan layan! time to hit the brakes. nao nao NAO.

clouds in my coffee

well it kinda feels as though i don't know myself anymore. is there such a thing as getting detached from oneself? i don't know if it's got to do with becoming a corporate rat, but it's so easy to get lost in the routine.

and you know what's even easier? it's too easy to put on a facade around most people. people you see almost everyday, but won't see beyond you. i mean, doesn't everybody put on a facade anyway? just depends how impenetrable you make it to be.

it's quiet now, with damien rice crooning away at low volume, sorta fading into the background. and i'm mildly contented at this moment, having a little free time, to layan my thoughts. something i haven't done in a long while.

(plus - work free for tonight! since i left the heavy piece of metal i.e. ancient laptop back at the office. one should always avoid working on friday nights. there's always saturday and sunday to continue work... wait. one should avoid working on weekends too -_-)

and there i go, i baru did something stupid again. but what's new, eh? many times, i'll catch myself. doing something stupid, or doing something i shouldn't do.

and then there are the things i know upfront not to do, but do it anyway.

frustration sets in when... you don't get the answers you want. or, you don't get any answers at all. the latter hurts less at first, but oh how it will hurt later on. first it drags you on. because things are not spelt out. you don't have a definite reason to do anything, or to do nothing at all.

and then there is also not getting the answers you want, and then going into denial. which is worse.

so there will be waiting. there might be expectations, or a tiny bit of hope starts growing. and when i say hope, i don't mean hope in a sun-shiney, warm and fuzzy kind of way. hope that is only there, to mask the despair and disappointment. to cover them like a blanket. unreasonable hope... hoping for something that so blatantly isn't there.

warning bells have long sounded. i started building up my defenses all but too late. i am, after all, an emotional creature. i knew i was in trouble when i started recalling snatches of moments, wittingly or unwittingly. the sounds, the colors, those smell, that taste.

i miss the place. i think, what i miss most, was the sense of freedom and just doing things on the fly. walking around an unfamiliar place, solo, without a map (uh, thank goodness the place is really small?). randomly turning into little streets, just because.

i'd like to conclude this with turning the above reminiscence into some sort of philosophical metaphor to describe life. but i won't.

i knew that when i went there, i was hoping to be able to clear my mind, to come to a conclusion. i did find answers, which ironically made things worse.

but, on a brighter note, so far things haven't crashed yet. i think. hurt, i can deal with. disappointment, i can deal with. erratic self-perception, i can deal with.

however, when bitterness starts to creep in... if bitterness starts to creep in.

that, and i know, like it or not, in denial or not, i will have to detach completely.

cos we'll all be portions for foxes

if we aren't already.

of life and lemons

cos when life throws lemons, it doesn't throw it one lemon at a time. the whole damn basket of lemons could be emptied right on you, full force.

and i don't particularly like lemonade.

oh man, i foresee not being able to sleep tonight. which is not good. 4th night in a row with serious lack of sleep. i'm too old for this shit -_-

shouldn't have checked my mail. ignorance is bliss. shoulda just left it for tomorrow morning. now with the huge storm cloud looming over my head... that's why la cannot sleep. that's why la i'm here, online blogging.

i... just need a break. am beaten to my knees and will be taking even more hits. i know it. they're coming. how do i even get up?

i don't know if this is good or bad. what doesn't kill you will make you stronger. we all know that.

... but what if it kills you?

aduh. i think sooner or later i will seriously need a counselor -_- sorta spot the symptoms already.