hello, old friend

yes, i know it's been a while.

yes, i know i'm a fair-weather friend.

yes, i know i'm older now.

yes, i know i'm not any wiser though.

yes, i know i'm still the same.

yes, i know i'm emo-ing cos i only come to you at times like this. 

yes, i know i'm not actually emo-ing this time.

yes, i know i'm too old to emo nemo anymore.

yes, i know i'm being mengade.

yes, i know i'm here because i don't know a lot of things. again.

yes, let's talk, just like old times.

shall we?

Cookies

Maybe I shouldn't have. But you're still a douchebag.

Sometimes, I seem to recall these little memories tucked nicely at the back of my head, at the most inopportune moments. Y'know, those aforementioned tucked away memories that, when unboxed, lead to that "ah, so that's what it was" moment.

Cos there I was, minding my own business, going my own merry way... When I absentmindedly noticed the messy queue of people.

Glancing at the long line in front of the sushi joint, I correctly guessed that it was that promo again. Why would anyone want to eat at that lousy-ass sushi place anyway? And then I vaguely remembered the last time I stepped foot into that place. Oh well. Tucked that memory back. Shrugged it off.

And that was when the aroma hit me. That fresh, oven-baked scent. Butter and chocolate chips. When was the last time I had those to eat? I remember leaning against the railing, waiting. And then... You, holding out to me a little bag of that freshly baked stuff.

That was probably something you don't usually do, I suppose. So maybe, I shouldn't have. We're both adults, but one of us has the maturity of an adolescent. Yep, that's me. The other has the maturity of a 4-year-old throwing a sulking fit. Yep, that's you.

You can't blame me if you didn't do anything, and didn't plan to do anything. So, you couldn't - and didn't - blame me. Instead, you did whatever it was you did.

Granted, I suppose one part of me knew what it was. And what I was. So okay, maybe I shouldn't have.

But you're still a douchebag.

Me and my lazy ass

Somehow, even with this ridiculously convenient bloggers app, I have a sneaky feeling it won't change how frequent I blog... Which is... Hardly ever. Sporadic at best.

And even if I DO blog, it will likely be some half-assed few-liners post. Or some hipster-wannabe attempt with some random (kononnya) artsy pic coupled with philosophical / emo words. Y'know, like what you see on tumblr.

Emo-ness is usually my main driver for blogging - an emo me is a blogger-happy me. So I guess the lack of blog posts is an indication of how at peace I am...

(... Or, I'm simply just a lazy ass la =p)

a beautiful mess

and what a beautiful mess this is
it's like taking a guess







when the only answer is yes =)

i'd go for a ride on your big jet plane. anytime.

i am but a creature of habit. familiarity gives me comfort, and i like being enveloped in it.

it's just too easy to play something i know well, one that i know the words by heart, every riff, every beat. that one moment in the song that makes me drop everything i'm doing, just to relish those few amazing seconds.

unfortunately, this whole familiarity thing, it impedes me from expanding my search for something new or undiscovered.

and also because, y'know, even when it comes to something i'm passionate about... i'm still a lazy, procrastinating fuck.

and then one day i might randomly stumble upon this song, or this artiste / band. and i feel that rush.

the rush when i discover music i absolutely love.

also. need to get external hard drive dammit. gotta store all these awesome stuff somewhere.

now excuse me while i hit replay for some auditory orgasm.

it's 2011 already

forget a long list of resolutions... i've always been too much of a procrastinator to come up with new year resolutions anyway.

this year's one is short and simple.

love and respect thyself =)

tumblr-ed

as it is, what with my one-liner posts and random video plugs, i might as well just use tumblr.

we'll see.

self-destruction

it's a vicious cycle.

stop it.







stop me.

and here it goes again

it starts with sleepless nights.

sigh.

it's all good.

pain is good

it's a rite of passage.

money matters

because it does.

sigh, i hate growing up.

because we're all the same

i feel for you.

maybe a little premature in feeling empathetic, but i won't be surprised if it happens.

and if it happens... i feel for you.

i really do.

caught off guard

i would say that in this particular aspect, things have never looked better. well, as compared to not so long ago.

in fact, i think i can safely say that i'm finally reaching that stage. i'm almost there. and i know it.

however. i also know that i'll have to admit to myself that it's never going to be a hundred percent. that's not gonna happen. not a bad thing per se, it just... is.

and because of that, i will allow myself certain emotions, every once in a very long while, and not beat myself over it.

and i did exactly that - to allow the brief pang of emotions to sweep through me. caught off guard, it happened - that moment of recognition, and the feelings that ensued. well, moments like this are bound to happen eventually anyway. and probably in the future. just... less impact as time goes by =)

i think it's time to cut myself some (more) slack. and be nicer to myself =)

oh, and to respect myself a little more too =P

(cheh, like doing new year's resolution wth -_-)

my goodness

it's been years, but now i sense it coming back.

omg sherry, have you not changed at all in all these years? have you not grown up at all -_-

has experience not taught you anything?!

jangan layan! time to hit the brakes. nao nao NAO.

clouds in my coffee

well it kinda feels as though i don't know myself anymore. is there such a thing as getting detached from oneself? i don't know if it's got to do with becoming a corporate rat, but it's so easy to get lost in the routine.

and you know what's even easier? it's too easy to put on a facade around most people. people you see almost everyday, but won't see beyond you. i mean, doesn't everybody put on a facade anyway? just depends how impenetrable you make it to be.

it's quiet now, with damien rice crooning away at low volume, sorta fading into the background. and i'm mildly contented at this moment, having a little free time, to layan my thoughts. something i haven't done in a long while.

(plus - work free for tonight! since i left the heavy piece of metal i.e. ancient laptop back at the office. one should always avoid working on friday nights. there's always saturday and sunday to continue work... wait. one should avoid working on weekends too -_-)

and there i go, i baru did something stupid again. but what's new, eh? many times, i'll catch myself. doing something stupid, or doing something i shouldn't do.

and then there are the things i know upfront not to do, but do it anyway.

frustration sets in when... you don't get the answers you want. or, you don't get any answers at all. the latter hurts less at first, but oh how it will hurt later on. first it drags you on. because things are not spelt out. you don't have a definite reason to do anything, or to do nothing at all.

and then there is also not getting the answers you want, and then going into denial. which is worse.

so there will be waiting. there might be expectations, or a tiny bit of hope starts growing. and when i say hope, i don't mean hope in a sun-shiney, warm and fuzzy kind of way. hope that is only there, to mask the despair and disappointment. to cover them like a blanket. unreasonable hope... hoping for something that so blatantly isn't there.

warning bells have long sounded. i started building up my defenses all but too late. i am, after all, an emotional creature. i knew i was in trouble when i started recalling snatches of moments, wittingly or unwittingly. the sounds, the colors, those smell, that taste.

i miss the place. i think, what i miss most, was the sense of freedom and just doing things on the fly. walking around an unfamiliar place, solo, without a map (uh, thank goodness the place is really small?). randomly turning into little streets, just because.

i'd like to conclude this with turning the above reminiscence into some sort of philosophical metaphor to describe life. but i won't.

i knew that when i went there, i was hoping to be able to clear my mind, to come to a conclusion. i did find answers, which ironically made things worse.

but, on a brighter note, so far things haven't crashed yet. i think. hurt, i can deal with. disappointment, i can deal with. erratic self-perception, i can deal with.

however, when bitterness starts to creep in... if bitterness starts to creep in.

that, and i know, like it or not, in denial or not, i will have to detach completely.

cos we'll all be portions for foxes

if we aren't already.

of life and lemons

cos when life throws lemons, it doesn't throw it one lemon at a time. the whole damn basket of lemons could be emptied right on you, full force.

and i don't particularly like lemonade.

oh man, i foresee not being able to sleep tonight. which is not good. 4th night in a row with serious lack of sleep. i'm too old for this shit -_-

shouldn't have checked my mail. ignorance is bliss. shoulda just left it for tomorrow morning. now with the huge storm cloud looming over my head... that's why la cannot sleep. that's why la i'm here, online blogging.

i... just need a break. am beaten to my knees and will be taking even more hits. i know it. they're coming. how do i even get up?

i don't know if this is good or bad. what doesn't kill you will make you stronger. we all know that.

... but what if it kills you?

aduh. i think sooner or later i will seriously need a counselor -_- sorta spot the symptoms already.

and so it is

last year. what she felt was... disappointment? like a little girl anticipating a happy fairytale that was supposed to happen. her very first! ... but it didn't happen.

but the year before. she was happy. naively so, but happy nonetheless.

this year?

maybe it's good that she doesn't have to live through another similar disappointment =)

cos i'm telling you, the next one better not fail her this way =P

not melodramatic

i'm not being melodramatic when i say i want to go to sleep, and never ever wake up again.

it could happen, and i know it

because of my training in delft, i had to leave an internal company training about 1 and half days earlier. after about a week plus of not being in the office, finally stepped in today - and also finally got to hear all the gossip drama incidents that happened in the last 1 and half day i wasn't around!

(yeah apparently they all happened AFTER i left. ergh!)

of course getting to be in the little town of canals and cobblestones was awesome, but at the same time i was quite sad to leave the internal company training earlier than the rest. i was kinda having fun! mostly because of the fellow colleagues from other branches. they're an awesome bunch =) but i think everyone got tighter in the last 1 and half day after i left wth -_-

anyway, apparently at the end of the training, each individual was given a short testimonial... after observations from the big ones during training. omg damn creepy lor. they were observing us the whole time? O_o

so my colleagues very kindly repeated what was said about me. and er, was kinda vague cos it's been a while and memories get foggy -_- but i think it was roughly about erm how i'm learning the ropes all fast paced, but i gotta be careful and know how to slow down, else i risk burnout.

i couldn't help but laugh at that la. so bloody true lor. but here's the thing - i don't really have a choice. these stuff thrown onto my plate, i gotta take it up, no? whether i want to or not (and, ok i do kinda want to, i mean to a certain extent la), i'm facing the ever steep learning curve.

looking at my heavily pregnant boss working at it much harder than i am, it's a bit rich of me to want to slow down. especially once she pops out her baby, which is ANYTIME literally (whee, baby!), there's no room to take things slower. if anything, i'm expecting things to go crazier, what with her absence and me still at the foot of the learning curve.

i realise that work is, for me, so far so good. well, in a sense that as stressful as it may get, it's still somewhat (though occasionally, barely) manageable. my attention to other things or aspects in life however, tend to take a backseat. sometimes banished verryyyy far to the back. not a good sign.

(abrupt change of topic ahead!)

i do want to talk. to you, and to you, and to you as well. oh well, you too, i guess.

and... you, as well.

but i'll end up being/sounding defensive obvious irresponsible naive stupid foolhardy ignorant nonchalant needy cynical emotional annoyed clingy demanding superficial disinterested hurtful flighty ashamed ridiculous scornful mean destructive small uneasy vulnerable indecisive broken incapable careless hostile predictable immature belittling unperturbed weary unwilling

... geez i was kinda having fun there -_- ok ok enough, i've stopped already.

as it is, all of you are my very close friends. well, close in different ways. i don't like having to make a decision between this and between that. i don't like being told certain things, ie what to do (i'm not saying one shouldn't, this is just the juvenile defensive side getting the better of me).

i risk sounding mean, but i'm being honest here, or at the very least, trying to be as honest as i can be. at the risk of ruining our friendship, etc etc.

and yes, i did say that i do want to talk, but i'm just not ready yet. and the reasons vary for each of you.

(well ok, i think the main reason for all is that work is on the forefront for now. seems like it's been THERE for quite a long time already. sigh. such is life. hello burnout -_-).

also, i am not an egg.

... okay, that didn't really make any sense. although, one could argue that i am shaped like an egg, all rotund and... you know what, nevermind. -_-

(but since we're on the topic of eggs - why would most assume that humpty dumpty is an egg? no where in the rhyme / riddle states anything to do with an egg. humpty dumpty could be anything breakable that can't be put together again, for that matter)

[edit]: aha. not necessarily an egg.

right. sorry about the egg thing. am really going off tangent, and this is likely a result of lack of sleep, cos i haven't been able to sleep. argh. one or two more days and my body clock should be back to normal? yes? =(

alright, enough pointless ramble. i feel very weird hitting the "publish post" button (orange!). it's been a while since i've blogged more than some random sentence, or a half-assed paragraph. actually it's been a while since i've done any personal writing. oh well. kinda forgot that it could be oddly therapeutic.

think maybe it's time i privatized this thing. i'm enough of an open book already. no need to start READING out loud from my pages to random passer-byes.