tumblr-ed

as it is, what with my one-liner posts and random video plugs, i might as well just use tumblr.

we'll see.

self-destruction

it's a vicious cycle.

stop it.







stop me.

and here it goes again

it starts with sleepless nights.

sigh.

it's all good.

pain is good

it's a rite of passage.

money matters

because it does.

sigh, i hate growing up.

because we're all the same

i feel for you.

maybe a little premature in feeling empathetic, but i won't be surprised if it happens.

and if it happens... i feel for you.

i really do.

caught off guard

i would say that in this particular aspect, things have never looked better. well, as compared to not so long ago.

in fact, i think i can safely say that i'm finally reaching that stage. i'm almost there. and i know it.

however. i also know that i'll have to admit to myself that it's never going to be a hundred percent. that's not gonna happen. not a bad thing per se, it just... is.

and because of that, i will allow myself certain emotions, every once in a very long while, and not beat myself over it.

and i did exactly that - to allow the brief pang of emotions to sweep through me. caught off guard, it happened - that moment of recognition, and the feelings that ensued. well, moments like this are bound to happen eventually anyway. and probably in the future. just... less impact as time goes by =)

i think it's time to cut myself some (more) slack. and be nicer to myself =)

oh, and to respect myself a little more too =P

(cheh, like doing new year's resolution wth -_-)

my goodness

it's been years, but now i sense it coming back.

omg sherry, have you not changed at all in all these years? have you not grown up at all -_-

has experience not taught you anything?!

jangan layan! time to hit the brakes. nao nao NAO.

clouds in my coffee

well it kinda feels as though i don't know myself anymore. is there such a thing as getting detached from oneself? i don't know if it's got to do with becoming a corporate rat, but it's so easy to get lost in the routine.

and you know what's even easier? it's too easy to put on a facade around most people. people you see almost everyday, but won't see beyond you. i mean, doesn't everybody put on a facade anyway? just depends how impenetrable you make it to be.

it's quiet now, with damien rice crooning away at low volume, sorta fading into the background. and i'm mildly contented at this moment, having a little free time, to layan my thoughts. something i haven't done in a long while.

(plus - work free for tonight! since i left the heavy piece of metal i.e. ancient laptop back at the office. one should always avoid working on friday nights. there's always saturday and sunday to continue work... wait. one should avoid working on weekends too -_-)

and there i go, i baru did something stupid again. but what's new, eh? many times, i'll catch myself. doing something stupid, or doing something i shouldn't do.

and then there are the things i know upfront not to do, but do it anyway.

frustration sets in when... you don't get the answers you want. or, you don't get any answers at all. the latter hurts less at first, but oh how it will hurt later on. first it drags you on. because things are not spelt out. you don't have a definite reason to do anything, or to do nothing at all.

and then there is also not getting the answers you want, and then going into denial. which is worse.

so there will be waiting. there might be expectations, or a tiny bit of hope starts growing. and when i say hope, i don't mean hope in a sun-shiney, warm and fuzzy kind of way. hope that is only there, to mask the despair and disappointment. to cover them like a blanket. unreasonable hope... hoping for something that so blatantly isn't there.

warning bells have long sounded. i started building up my defenses all but too late. i am, after all, an emotional creature. i knew i was in trouble when i started recalling snatches of moments, wittingly or unwittingly. the sounds, the colors, those smell, that taste.

i miss the place. i think, what i miss most, was the sense of freedom and just doing things on the fly. walking around an unfamiliar place, solo, without a map (uh, thank goodness the place is really small?). randomly turning into little streets, just because.

i'd like to conclude this with turning the above reminiscence into some sort of philosophical metaphor to describe life. but i won't.

i knew that when i went there, i was hoping to be able to clear my mind, to come to a conclusion. i did find answers, which ironically made things worse.

but, on a brighter note, so far things haven't crashed yet. i think. hurt, i can deal with. disappointment, i can deal with. erratic self-perception, i can deal with.

however, when bitterness starts to creep in... if bitterness starts to creep in.

that, and i know, like it or not, in denial or not, i will have to detach completely.

cos we'll all be portions for foxes

if we aren't already.

of life and lemons

cos when life throws lemons, it doesn't throw it one lemon at a time. the whole damn basket of lemons could be emptied right on you, full force.

and i don't particularly like lemonade.

oh man, i foresee not being able to sleep tonight. which is not good. 4th night in a row with serious lack of sleep. i'm too old for this shit -_-

shouldn't have checked my mail. ignorance is bliss. shoulda just left it for tomorrow morning. now with the huge storm cloud looming over my head... that's why la cannot sleep. that's why la i'm here, online blogging.

i... just need a break. am beaten to my knees and will be taking even more hits. i know it. they're coming. how do i even get up?

i don't know if this is good or bad. what doesn't kill you will make you stronger. we all know that.

... but what if it kills you?

aduh. i think sooner or later i will seriously need a counselor -_- sorta spot the symptoms already.

and so it is

last year. what she felt was... disappointment? like a little girl anticipating a happy fairytale that was supposed to happen. her very first! ... but it didn't happen.

but the year before. she was happy. naively so, but happy nonetheless.

this year?

maybe it's good that she doesn't have to live through another similar disappointment =)

cos i'm telling you, the next one better not fail her this way =P

not melodramatic

i'm not being melodramatic when i say i want to go to sleep, and never ever wake up again.

it could happen, and i know it

because of my training in delft, i had to leave an internal company training about 1 and half days earlier. after about a week plus of not being in the office, finally stepped in today - and also finally got to hear all the gossip drama incidents that happened in the last 1 and half day i wasn't around!

(yeah apparently they all happened AFTER i left. ergh!)

of course getting to be in the little town of canals and cobblestones was awesome, but at the same time i was quite sad to leave the internal company training earlier than the rest. i was kinda having fun! mostly because of the fellow colleagues from other branches. they're an awesome bunch =) but i think everyone got tighter in the last 1 and half day after i left wth -_-

anyway, apparently at the end of the training, each individual was given a short testimonial... after observations from the big ones during training. omg damn creepy lor. they were observing us the whole time? O_o

so my colleagues very kindly repeated what was said about me. and er, was kinda vague cos it's been a while and memories get foggy -_- but i think it was roughly about erm how i'm learning the ropes all fast paced, but i gotta be careful and know how to slow down, else i risk burnout.

i couldn't help but laugh at that la. so bloody true lor. but here's the thing - i don't really have a choice. these stuff thrown onto my plate, i gotta take it up, no? whether i want to or not (and, ok i do kinda want to, i mean to a certain extent la), i'm facing the ever steep learning curve.

looking at my heavily pregnant boss working at it much harder than i am, it's a bit rich of me to want to slow down. especially once she pops out her baby, which is ANYTIME literally (whee, baby!), there's no room to take things slower. if anything, i'm expecting things to go crazier, what with her absence and me still at the foot of the learning curve.

i realise that work is, for me, so far so good. well, in a sense that as stressful as it may get, it's still somewhat (though occasionally, barely) manageable. my attention to other things or aspects in life however, tend to take a backseat. sometimes banished verryyyy far to the back. not a good sign.

(abrupt change of topic ahead!)

i do want to talk. to you, and to you, and to you as well. oh well, you too, i guess.

and... you, as well.

but i'll end up being/sounding defensive obvious irresponsible naive stupid foolhardy ignorant nonchalant needy cynical emotional annoyed clingy demanding superficial disinterested hurtful flighty ashamed ridiculous scornful mean destructive small uneasy vulnerable indecisive broken incapable careless hostile predictable immature belittling unperturbed weary unwilling

... geez i was kinda having fun there -_- ok ok enough, i've stopped already.

as it is, all of you are my very close friends. well, close in different ways. i don't like having to make a decision between this and between that. i don't like being told certain things, ie what to do (i'm not saying one shouldn't, this is just the juvenile defensive side getting the better of me).

i risk sounding mean, but i'm being honest here, or at the very least, trying to be as honest as i can be. at the risk of ruining our friendship, etc etc.

and yes, i did say that i do want to talk, but i'm just not ready yet. and the reasons vary for each of you.

(well ok, i think the main reason for all is that work is on the forefront for now. seems like it's been THERE for quite a long time already. sigh. such is life. hello burnout -_-).

also, i am not an egg.

... okay, that didn't really make any sense. although, one could argue that i am shaped like an egg, all rotund and... you know what, nevermind. -_-

(but since we're on the topic of eggs - why would most assume that humpty dumpty is an egg? no where in the rhyme / riddle states anything to do with an egg. humpty dumpty could be anything breakable that can't be put together again, for that matter)

[edit]: aha. not necessarily an egg.

right. sorry about the egg thing. am really going off tangent, and this is likely a result of lack of sleep, cos i haven't been able to sleep. argh. one or two more days and my body clock should be back to normal? yes? =(

alright, enough pointless ramble. i feel very weird hitting the "publish post" button (orange!). it's been a while since i've blogged more than some random sentence, or a half-assed paragraph. actually it's been a while since i've done any personal writing. oh well. kinda forgot that it could be oddly therapeutic.

think maybe it's time i privatized this thing. i'm enough of an open book already. no need to start READING out loud from my pages to random passer-byes.

back to work tomorrow

and i can't sleep!

expecting ginormous avalanche of work.

this cannot be good.

updates soon!

once i get off my lazy ass =P

delft



amsterdam



sigh, but pics can only say so much. they serve as a reminder, to bring up the memories.

experiencing the places, meeting the people - those are the things i take from my (very) short time there =)

snatches of moments

i think... no, i know, that it's too late. and so many things have unraveled. apart from my downward spiral of emotions, i have my closest friends very angry at me. and "very angry" is but a subtle way of putting it.

off to netherlands and back. what was i hoping for? i was putting everything after netherlands, because dammit, i had so much to do. and i'm going back to work tomorrow, with MUCH MUCH MORE to do (argh don't wanna think about it).

but netherlands. it was a minor escape for me - the whole "let's talk about it when i'm back from netherlands" or "i'll think about it when i'm back from netherlands". i think i was also secretly (and desperately?) hoping that some enlightenment will come, whilst i was there. and i'll return all the wiser, having found enlightenment or made up my mind.

made up my mind? i make it sound as if there is a choice to make. when there really isn't. the answer's clear as day. either way, i shouldn't let anything go on. the worse case scenario (which is what is happening now), is going to lead to rock-bottom in terms of my emotions. i know. because i'm heading there now. free-falling, and i'm not doing anything to stop it. if anything, i'm accelerating, increasing my momentum towards the final crash.

but - i don't even want to think about it, because in a way it contributes to the accelerating effect - but if there was ever a chance, fleeting as it may be, tiny little window as it seems. if it actually happened. what then? it will end, and it will not end well.

like i said, either way - not good. but then, it's too late already. "what, already?", you may ask.

yes. unfortunately, being in netherlands further cemented that. i'm not gonna elaborate. i think it's probably cos i'm too ashamed to admit it.

this whole thing with my... emotions. i really can't stand it la. if i'm gonna do it, i gotta learn how to build a wall of defense around it. learn how to enjoy the highs and pull back when i have to ie. leave before any vulnerability sets in. it's unfortunate that in this particular case, vulnerability set in long before the high. well, it probably set in at the very beginning. the fact that i so quickly and easily... you know, i should just build a damn wall to prevent anything similar from happening ever again. not so much for this case, but in case something like this happens again.

cos this one, this time - it's just too late.

i wonder if it's worth it at all.

do you not care for me? for how i might be affected? or are these just not important to you?




... it hurts.

guilt tripped

another saturday, another weekend i have to work from home (what's new, eh?)

as i walked out of the kitchen carrying my instant noodles breakfast/lunch/teatime to makan and work at the same time, si isaac ran up to me, wanting to play.

me: sorry isaac, yi yi need to work ok? yi yi play with you later.

isaac: *rambling* why yi yi why work why

me: *proceeds to walk upstairs*

isaac: *standing at foot of stairs watching me walk up* yi yi go upstairs, yi yi dowan to play with isaac!




noooooooooooooo. this is horrible. his mata besar coupled with his serious expression, it just kills me T__T

power off

aiyo. i wish there was a switch so that i can shut down my mind and stop thinking just like that.

gotta stop. thinking. too. much.




... fikir yang bukan-bukan, wahaha.

it's that time again

bazaars!

... and for once i don't mean fashion bazaars =P

*happy*

how does one title posts like this anyway

i shouldn't be drinking coffee at this hour, lest i can't sleep later when i REALLY need to sleep. unfortunately, i suspect that coffee might make it difficult for me to fall asleep. oh, the horror!

(not to mention that i also suspect that coffee gives me the runs, but omg let us pray that this isn't soooooo. coffee is one of my favourite thing in the world!)

coffee = love
no coffee, no joy =(
maybe look for new love. alcohol?



but anyway. am sick of charting, and flipping between the excel file and the powerpoint slides. starting to get pretty jelak with this particular project. i know it, because i don't care for what the numbers are saying anymore -_- blindly charting, yo. damn cannot tahan having to pluck figures one by sickening one. takes me fucken ages to complete one single slide (chock full of said figures painstakingly plucked one by one).

so here i am, blogging. decided not to watch p0rn on office laptop yadda yadda yadda. no la, too bleary to watch anyway.

though not too bleary to suddenly remember something you said not too long ago. it was the way you said it. not so much of semantics - no, nothing as fancy as that. it was as simple as the grammar used. nothing too mind-blowing, but it made all the difference. is vs was. were vs are. that time vs. now.

and then earlier today i read something... somewhere. fine, that somewhere being facebook. facebook is a sneaky creature when it comes to info you don't wanna know. and reading the thingy on facebook, reminded me of what you said, and subsequently totally drove the nail right IN.

...

but then again, am not surprised la. have known it all along. and how do i feel about it, now that it's pretty much happening already?

well, it sucks, but what is it to me anyway. it doesn't (and shouldn't) matter anymore.

it's nice not to feel much of anything, for once.

that being said, what of this other matter at hand? how much longer can i try to avoid thinking about it (key word: try). apparently, as it turns out, emotional detachment is not quite my forte. but feigning normalcy is perhaps somewhat my forte? put them both together, and... you get a really low EQ person wth -_-

aduh, runsingggg. must not be vulnerable dammit.


[edit] ok i realised it seems like i'm very the emo in this post (and last 1 or 2 posts), so here's a funny video wth.



hahaha the ending always cracks me up!
super random and cheesy XD

you spurn my natural emotions

it makes me feel like dir-ir-irt

and i'm hurt

一肚子火

so much so that i just want to drive off into the night. and proceed to crash the car. wreckage. fire.

(though of course, it'll be such a waste of the car)

(there ARE cheaper ways to kill yourself, sherry -_-)

this was almost the final straw. was near breaking point, and now i'm barely a hair's breadth away.

my new baby =)

plastic-y looking, like a toy camera =P


next up, i should be posting pictures taken by the camera, not of the camera.

canal and westerpop

longkang besar haha kidding kidding *hasty*


i vaguely remember wikitravel mentioning something about an annual musical event during end august. westerpop! looks quite nice la. and i'll be there! *sings* should i stay or should i go (out of delft). snooped around for the lineup and stumbled upon the pretty laura jansen (she toured with joshua radin before!). Her cover of Use Somebody by Kings of Leon is the best i've heard so far. so much better than Pixie Lott's overly frilly version. so beautifully sung. i think i actually like it more than the original.

ahh emo balik listening to that song.

[edit] argh need to get decent camera asap! siapa nak teman?

and they say it gets better in time

i'm looking forward to the day when i'll be able to believe it, and say those same words.

because really, they've all been there done that. and they're doing fine. so, no reason why i shouldn't be.

but then again, we never did dance, did we?

ku katakan dengan indah

*blows off thick layer of dust accumulated on blog*

blame the procrastinator in me. blame the superdupercannotbebeaten bummer in me.

i'm incredibly lazy, i know. the new year 2010 post that never came to be. and the "woo-hoo i've JUST HANDED UP MY THESIS OH YEAH I'M A ROCK-STAR" post that also never came to be... overdue for slightly more than a year? yep. i did console myself that i can always bunch up the "woo-hoo i've JUST HANDED UP MY THESIS OH YEAH I'M A ROCK-STAR" post together with a post dedicated to my convocation and err uni life. with artsy shots of (mostly) my faculty yo! using my trusty Sony Ericsson 6xxx handphone camera. can't get ANYmore artsier than that.

speaking of which, why not just chuck in a few of those pics here?

artsy boh? damn artsy i know.



used to be what i see almost everyday in my uni life -
stumbling blearily up these suckers in great haste.
usually more than half an hour late for whatever class.



while studying for my final final exam. in bed.


arghhh damn nostalgic now. i want to drink kopi satu again while sitting on those mcdonald chairs.



said mcdonald chairs



the truth is, it scares me a little how fast time has passed. that i'm here, right now. another faceless person in the corporate world. faceless because am not that significant, and no, don't particularly have a drrrriiiiive to rise up in that sense.

i have been rather unhappy of late. but it comes in bursts, and i usually allow it. i give in, and i give up. i was told that i would look back, and be embarrassed and ashamed of myself. for being reduced to being all undignified, emotional and clingy. basically for being, you know, a blubbering mess.



pictured: me being a blubbering mess


yeah, nothing better like wallowing in your own sorrow. very, erm, therapeutic. i know i should've called a friend, someone, anyone for that matter, to talk to. i just didn't.



pictured: me wallowing in own sorrow.
also, = blubbering mess


as it goes, blubbering messes don't really make the best decisions. my decision for now? i'll just be "finding a replacement with my heart sedated".

whatever works for me, man.

...





... ok, i'm not really being serious, for the uninitiated. i'm obviously doing much better since i'm blogging about it. acceptance is the first step, and i've been in denial for too long. my biggest fear now is probably having denial whack me in the face again.

anyway. ice cream, anyone?

but whyyy =(

it's smelly when it's damp too ='(

maybe if i bundled everything i hated

into one BIG BALL, i would love that one BIG BALL?

if not, how is it possible that i'm totally hooked on a mash-up of mostly songs i hate? but even IF i had hated the mash-up, i would still admit that the remix is crazy good.

because it is!!





on a different topic... okay i know the obligatory new year post should be up by now. i'm champion procrastinator, what to do =P

(actually no la, i really want to do a post looking back at last year cos it was a pretty meaningful year to me)