and so it is

last year. what she felt was... disappointment? like a little girl anticipating a happy fairytale that was supposed to happen. her very first! ... but it didn't happen.

but the year before. she was happy. naively so, but happy nonetheless.

this year?

maybe it's good that she doesn't have to live through another similar disappointment =)

cos i'm telling you, the next one better not fail her this way =P

not melodramatic

i'm not being melodramatic when i say i want to go to sleep, and never ever wake up again.

it could happen, and i know it

because of my training in delft, i had to leave an internal company training about 1 and half days earlier. after about a week plus of not being in the office, finally stepped in today - and also finally got to hear all the gossip drama incidents that happened in the last 1 and half day i wasn't around!

(yeah apparently they all happened AFTER i left. ergh!)

of course getting to be in the little town of canals and cobblestones was awesome, but at the same time i was quite sad to leave the internal company training earlier than the rest. i was kinda having fun! mostly because of the fellow colleagues from other branches. they're an awesome bunch =) but i think everyone got tighter in the last 1 and half day after i left wth -_-

anyway, apparently at the end of the training, each individual was given a short testimonial... after observations from the big ones during training. omg damn creepy lor. they were observing us the whole time? O_o

so my colleagues very kindly repeated what was said about me. and er, was kinda vague cos it's been a while and memories get foggy -_- but i think it was roughly about erm how i'm learning the ropes all fast paced, but i gotta be careful and know how to slow down, else i risk burnout.

i couldn't help but laugh at that la. so bloody true lor. but here's the thing - i don't really have a choice. these stuff thrown onto my plate, i gotta take it up, no? whether i want to or not (and, ok i do kinda want to, i mean to a certain extent la), i'm facing the ever steep learning curve.

looking at my heavily pregnant boss working at it much harder than i am, it's a bit rich of me to want to slow down. especially once she pops out her baby, which is ANYTIME literally (whee, baby!), there's no room to take things slower. if anything, i'm expecting things to go crazier, what with her absence and me still at the foot of the learning curve.

i realise that work is, for me, so far so good. well, in a sense that as stressful as it may get, it's still somewhat (though occasionally, barely) manageable. my attention to other things or aspects in life however, tend to take a backseat. sometimes banished verryyyy far to the back. not a good sign.

(abrupt change of topic ahead!)

i do want to talk. to you, and to you, and to you as well. oh well, you too, i guess.

and... you, as well.

but i'll end up being/sounding defensive obvious irresponsible naive stupid foolhardy ignorant nonchalant needy cynical emotional annoyed clingy demanding superficial disinterested hurtful flighty ashamed ridiculous scornful mean destructive small uneasy vulnerable indecisive broken incapable careless hostile predictable immature belittling unperturbed weary unwilling

... geez i was kinda having fun there -_- ok ok enough, i've stopped already.

as it is, all of you are my very close friends. well, close in different ways. i don't like having to make a decision between this and between that. i don't like being told certain things, ie what to do (i'm not saying one shouldn't, this is just the juvenile defensive side getting the better of me).

i risk sounding mean, but i'm being honest here, or at the very least, trying to be as honest as i can be. at the risk of ruining our friendship, etc etc.

and yes, i did say that i do want to talk, but i'm just not ready yet. and the reasons vary for each of you.

(well ok, i think the main reason for all is that work is on the forefront for now. seems like it's been THERE for quite a long time already. sigh. such is life. hello burnout -_-).

also, i am not an egg.

... okay, that didn't really make any sense. although, one could argue that i am shaped like an egg, all rotund and... you know what, nevermind. -_-

(but since we're on the topic of eggs - why would most assume that humpty dumpty is an egg? no where in the rhyme / riddle states anything to do with an egg. humpty dumpty could be anything breakable that can't be put together again, for that matter)

[edit]: aha. not necessarily an egg.

right. sorry about the egg thing. am really going off tangent, and this is likely a result of lack of sleep, cos i haven't been able to sleep. argh. one or two more days and my body clock should be back to normal? yes? =(

alright, enough pointless ramble. i feel very weird hitting the "publish post" button (orange!). it's been a while since i've blogged more than some random sentence, or a half-assed paragraph. actually it's been a while since i've done any personal writing. oh well. kinda forgot that it could be oddly therapeutic.

think maybe it's time i privatized this thing. i'm enough of an open book already. no need to start READING out loud from my pages to random passer-byes.

back to work tomorrow

and i can't sleep!

expecting ginormous avalanche of work.

this cannot be good.

updates soon!

once i get off my lazy ass =P

delft



amsterdam



sigh, but pics can only say so much. they serve as a reminder, to bring up the memories.

experiencing the places, meeting the people - those are the things i take from my (very) short time there =)

snatches of moments

i think... no, i know, that it's too late. and so many things have unraveled. apart from my downward spiral of emotions, i have my closest friends very angry at me. and "very angry" is but a subtle way of putting it.

off to netherlands and back. what was i hoping for? i was putting everything after netherlands, because dammit, i had so much to do. and i'm going back to work tomorrow, with MUCH MUCH MORE to do (argh don't wanna think about it).

but netherlands. it was a minor escape for me - the whole "let's talk about it when i'm back from netherlands" or "i'll think about it when i'm back from netherlands". i think i was also secretly (and desperately?) hoping that some enlightenment will come, whilst i was there. and i'll return all the wiser, having found enlightenment or made up my mind.

made up my mind? i make it sound as if there is a choice to make. when there really isn't. the answer's clear as day. either way, i shouldn't let anything go on. the worse case scenario (which is what is happening now), is going to lead to rock-bottom in terms of my emotions. i know. because i'm heading there now. free-falling, and i'm not doing anything to stop it. if anything, i'm accelerating, increasing my momentum towards the final crash.

but - i don't even want to think about it, because in a way it contributes to the accelerating effect - but if there was ever a chance, fleeting as it may be, tiny little window as it seems. if it actually happened. what then? it will end, and it will not end well.

like i said, either way - not good. but then, it's too late already. "what, already?", you may ask.

yes. unfortunately, being in netherlands further cemented that. i'm not gonna elaborate. i think it's probably cos i'm too ashamed to admit it.

this whole thing with my... emotions. i really can't stand it la. if i'm gonna do it, i gotta learn how to build a wall of defense around it. learn how to enjoy the highs and pull back when i have to ie. leave before any vulnerability sets in. it's unfortunate that in this particular case, vulnerability set in long before the high. well, it probably set in at the very beginning. the fact that i so quickly and easily... you know, i should just build a damn wall to prevent anything similar from happening ever again. not so much for this case, but in case something like this happens again.

cos this one, this time - it's just too late.

i wonder if it's worth it at all.

do you not care for me? for how i might be affected? or are these just not important to you?




... it hurts.