ahem

i've been doing some thinking (yes, i can think la!). well, more than usual. it's been a while since i really had a look into myself and my own thoughts.

i know i haven't been blogging much but there are some things which i can't bring myself to type it all out. not that many will read, but somehow writing in my diary - which is really just one of those big old exercise books for lab reports - brings more comfort and a sense of security. yeah, i have a personal blog somewhere out there but for some reason it's easier to write my thoughts down. in that tattered note book.

it's already a few days into the new year, and i can't help but feel a twinge of annoyance towards time. tricky little bugger. at times i'd be pulling my hair out in frustration wishing time would just bloody budge, but the next moment it'll be passing by so fast, so unexpectedly, that suddenly i realise...

bloody hell, i'm getting old.

it's not that i'm not ready for the future or anything (actually, i'm not, but that's another story). i just feel a little... cheated?

somehow i don't feel as if i've changed, or grown in any way. i supposed i might have learned a thing or two.

at one time i was blaming everyone and everything for my forthcoming and inevitable failure. i was giving up, cos i felt that it was too late to change anything.

it was too late, really. but giving up totally just seemed so silly.

so i didnt give up, but i wouldnt say i gave it my best shot.

there are people expecting more from me, mostly family, and to some extent, friends. heck, i'm expecting more from myself.

but sometimes people just don't live up to expectations. yet there are times when this is actually a blessing in disguise.

i just hope mine will be.

yes, i've been searching for the path, for the route i should take. sometimes i wish mine would be as well-lighted as others. the paths for those who have already set their mind.

just that one road - a long, clear stretch. one that i could embark on with purpose, and not with apprehension.

i see many ways, some are clear, with minimal hindrance... yet lead to an end that i would not embrace.

some are less discernible. and for the life of me, i can't see how they will conclude.

......

but really, what's life without a bit of uncertainty?

i'll just... clear the fog around those bloody paths or something.

*smiles*

yeah baby.