to eternal damnation and beyond

here's what he said to me the other day.

a religion, in a way, is like an identity. sort of like having a name. not having one is almost unthinkable.

no religion = no label = no identity

......

well, it wasnt the first time i heard something like that, but i still couldnt help but feel a little annoyed. what, now i should get a religion just so i'd have a label?! so i can go around saying "lookie here, i'm a Christian!" or "yay i'm a Buddhist!" or "heya i'm a Muslim!" or "yeah baby, i'm now into *insert random religion*".

PLEASE.

and there he was, smiling smugly, saying "see, i didnt even say much and she's all defensive already."

WTF.

i very patiently explained that i would embrace a certain religion only after i have a considerable amount of faith in it. i wouldnt rush to menganut some agama just because someone said u have to have a religion.

and WHAT is it that we all MUST! MUST! MUST! have a religion?!

i dont have religion my boobs will never grow big is it?!

oh, i forgot - eternal damnation. no where to go after i die. no heaven will take me in. or worse - i'll go to hell OMIGOSH!

which is what a friend told me years ago. no religion? it's hell for u, baby. confirm, man!

gee, if the Almighty is chucking me in hell just because i dont have a religion, He sure is pretty xiao qi.

oops, bordering on blasphemy here.

the point is, i'll only take on a religion when i have faith in it, not for the sake of having a religion. is that so wrong?

then he asked me "what is faith?" and "how do u measure faith?" and "how do you define faith", etc etc.

when i finally (and wearily) pointed out that faith was subjective, he went smug again.

i guess he was trying to say (because he did say all these) - if u dont have a religion now, then when? how would u know when u have faith? when are u going to menganut a religion? at your deathbed? if not now, then when?

when i get sudden enlightenment ala siddharta gautama, u doink.

(just kidding la. and i didnt say that out loud.)

HIS view was - get a religion, then grow your faith. or something to that effect.

no no no no no. i cant get into a religion when i'm so full of scepticism. preaches and sermons and whatnots might change my mind but i'd feel brainwashed! brainwashed! i dont want to feel that way towards a religion! i want to absorb it on my own.

i dont want to be dragged across like some relunctant kid and have people saying look look here's God, praise the Lord and Hallelujah when i wouldnt be able to feel His presence.

see, i'd want to find God, or let Him find me.

there are times when i have the feeling that He is just outside my door - maybe He knocked, maybe He didnt. even if He opened the door and stood there in all His glory i might not realise His presence. but He'll be there just at the door... and one day, something might click in me and i'll know He has been there all this while.

then i'd open the door.